All I Want For Christmas Is You
by Montelini
Summary: "It's so hard to pretend to be friends with someone special, when every time you look at that person, all you see is everything you want to have." - Little Linstead story about the things that happen when your feelings suddenly change and you start to fall in love with your best friend...
1. Best Friends

**Hey everyone :) on my main story I talked about a oneshot I scrawled down (I actually had this idea for a while because it's in a very small way inspired by my own complicated life and this is what happened while I was supposed to study...), so here we go. It turned out to be a little too long for a oneshot, so I decided to split it up in five smaller chapters which I will post in the days leading to Christmas! :)**

 **And no worries, I will of course keep on working on my other story and will update it as soon as I can but for now I hope you'll enjoy this one :)**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

 **Additional note: this story does not take place at any specific time or year and it doesn't include any happenings from the show.**

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 **1\. Best Friends**

Carrying a sixpack of beer, a bag of spicy jalapeno chips and two packages of gummy bears in his one hand and balancing two giant boxes with deep dish pizza and salad on his other hand, it was quite a struggle for Jay to knock on Erin's door without dropping either the beer and leaving a mess of cullet on the floor in the hallway or losing control over the boxes with their delicious food he balanced on his other hand, leaving an indefinable mash of tomato sauce, cheese and lettuce on the doormat in front of her apartment.

After finally managing to knock on her door without that it ended in a bigger catastrophe, Erin opened the door, giving him her famous eyebrow-raise when she saw him standing there, looking like he was slightly overstrained.

″Are you the delivery guy?″ she grinned, eyeing the pizza boxes and the salad box that was placed on top, which was a plucky but yet very unstable construction, wobbling dangerously already.

″Sort of,″ he grinned back and was more than glad when he could hand Erin the boxes with their food before he followed her into her apartment, this well-known place he spent quite much time at.

He placed the sixpack and the packages with snacks on the coffee table in the living room before he made himself comfortable on the couch, preliminary reports to the Cubs game that was about to follow already flickering on the TV. Their home team was playing in the World Series, so needless to say that they were beyond excited, like the whole city was in fact. Chicago's inhabitants were only dressed in white and blue these days and it was a city of ecstasy and no matter whether it was going to the supermarket, going to the pharmacy or the gym, there was only one topic everyone, literally everyone, talked about at the moment: whether the Cubs could let the magic, the unbelievable, happen.

″Watcha think, will we win tonight?″ he asked while grabbing two bottles of beer and opening them before leaning back into the cushions of her couch.

″I somehow doubt it but I for sure hope so. I mean we have to, right?″ she asked and joined him, putting two plates and cutlery, their pizzas and the salad on the coffee table as well before she sat down right next to him, reaching for her bottle of beer instantly.

″Yup. No win and it'll be over,″ Jay said and handed her one of the bottles.

″Jeeez, not sure whether I can watch this without dying through to anxiety,″ she laughed. ″So we better drink some of them before the game starts. Cheers,″ she added and clinked his bottle with Jay's.

″Cheers,″ he echoed. ″To the Cubs.″

After the cold beverage had run down their throats they pitched into the pizza and the salad and fell into a comfortable silence while enjoying Chicago's most famous dish. Erin had to grin a little by the fact what a proud Chicagoan she was, sitting on her couch in her living room that was decorated with a Cubs flag, wearing her Cubs shirt, eating deep dish pizza, waiting for the game to start so she and her best friend, who was wearing a Cubs shirt and a hat as well, could cheer for their team and curse the other team. Just like they did whenever they had the chance to do so. Which was pretty much every time Muriel, Jay's fiancée, was out of town for the weekend to visit her parents, family and friends who all lived in Montreal.

Jay's been her partner at work for a little over a year now and during that time they've become best friends. She trusted him with her life and when there was one person on this planet she could talk with about literally everything, it was him. This gentle, always caring and ever protecting man who always had her back. In the beginning it had been strange for her to be so open towards another person as she was usually a person who kept everything for herself and rather buried her feelings and emotions inside of her than talking about them openly. But with Jay it had been different. He had a way to always make her feel better, to make her more open only with his presence and his calm attitude. And she knew the same applied to him. When something was wrong he came to her to talk it off his chest, when there was something that was supposed to be a secret for quite a while it was her whom he was always telling it first, even before his brother. So it was Erin who he'd asked whether she thought Muriel would like the ring he'd picked and it was also Erin who'd been the first to know about his and Muriel's engagement back in July. It was Erin who constantly asked him how the preparations for his wedding next spring went. And it was Erin whom he'd asked to become his ″best man″ or however one called it in this case. But she'd declined. Not because she didn't want to be his best man, maid of honor or whatsoever, but because she was sure that Muriel didn't appreciate it.

She couldn't say that she disliked the 28-year-old smart Canadian with the curly brown hair, fluent in English, French, Italian and Spanish, not at all. She had absolutely no problem with her but she was sure that this didn't apply to Muriel. Thanks to her job she was pretty good at reading the expressions on people's faces and reading their minds, their thoughts they didn't speak out loud and so she knew that there wasn't much sympathy for Erin on Muriel's side. Which she could even kind of understand.

Due to their jobs, Jay was constantly spending more time with Erin than with Muriel. In addition, the whole unit regularly went to Molly's together after rough cases, which happened to be pretty much once a week, and Jay spending the evening in Erin's apartment to watch whatever game was on TV also tended to happen quite often. But this also had to do with the fact that Muriel spent most of her weekends in Montreal, away from her fiancé.

At some point Erin had asked Jay whether they should better stop doing this as she didn't want to give Muriel too many reasons to get unnecessarily jealous and also didn't want to give her the wrong impression. The impression that something was going on between her and Jay, that she had feelings for her partner which she clearly didn't have, but Jay had said that it was okay and that Muriel couldn't blame him for spending the weekends with friends when she was the one who traveled up to Canada fairly often and rather spent her weekends with her friends in Montreal, maybe somehow expecting him to join her every time. At first Erin had felt quite uncomfortable with this whole situation as she didn't want to be a sticking point in Jay's and Muriel's relationship, and had been undecided whether spending so much time with Jay was a smart idea. But then again it was always just so nice to spend time with him, so funny and so damn easy, so she'd decided to keep on watching the games with him whenever Muriel was out of town.

″Damn this was delicious,″ Jay interrupted her thoughts and rubbed his stomach satisfied.

″You really ate the whole pizza,″ Erin noted with a hint of disbelief in her voice, eyeing the empty pizza box. Not a single crumb was left.

″Was hungry,″ he shrugged, smirking innocently.

″Yeah, I guess so,″ she chuckled. ″You want some of mine, too?″

″Naah, I'm full. This would only end up in a mess because my stomach is about to burst.″

″I'm not surprised,″ she laughed and got up to bring the dirty dishes to the sink. ″You want an Ouzo? This might help,″ she called from the kitchen.

″Only if you drink one with me.″

″Did I ever let you drink alone?″ she asked and joined him on the couch again a moment later, handing him the small glass with the clear liquid.

″Not that I know of,″ he smirked.

″Cheers to that.″

″Cheers.″

″Uaaah,″ Erin sighed and grimaced after the alcohol had burned down her throat. ″This is digusting and everytime after drinking it I ask myself why. Just simply why.″

″Ey, you suggested it, so don't you dare to complain,″ he laughed.

″Alright, guilty as charged,″ she winked. ″No time to complain anyway, the game is about to start in a few minutes,″ she added, motioning her head to the TV.

″How about a little bet though? You think they'll lose, right?″

″Well, I'm not super optimistic, so yeah, I kinda prepare myself that the deal's done after this one,″ she shrugged.

″Lindsay, I really like your optimism all the time. It's seriously your best attitude,″ he teased her and slightly shook his head.

″I know, thanks,″ she smirked.

She was used to bet with him, it was basically 'their thing' and they did it whenever they had the possibility to do so and mostly their bets occured during their drives in the 300. And mostly the betting debts were about who was the next to buy the other a drink in Molly's or who was the one to invite the other for lunch at Chipotle. They weren't really creative but food was always a good betting debt. ″So what about the bet? What do we bet about? Lunch on Monday?″

″Nooooo, not this time,″ Jay said and acted like he actually had to think about the betting debt although it was obvious that there was already an idea in his head. ″Of course I say we'll win tonight. So in case I'm right, you're coming to the Halloween party in Molly's next week,″ he smirked mischievously.

″Jay-″ she protested instantly. The Halloween party Fire Station 51 hosted in Molly's was a never-ending debate between the two of them. Jay wanted to go and tried his best to convince Erin to go there, too, but she really didn't want to go. She wasn't the kind of person to dress herself up in some freaky costume. She wasn't a Halloween person. In her opinion people made a way too big deal out of it. But Jay was really resistent with his attempts in trying to make her go there and she even considered going there just that he would stop bugging her about it.

″Come on, you're sure that they'll lose, so you actually have nothing to lose, right?″ he winked, a winning smile covering his features.

Erin narrowed her eyes as she glanced at him and bit her lower lip with her teeth. He had a point. Unfortunately. And she had no argument against it. Which didn't happen often. Usually she was the one to always have the last word in a discussion.

″Okay,″ she agreed. ″But if I'm right, I'll not go to the Halloween party...but I'll pick your outfit,″ she said and now she was the one to wink playfully and grin cheekily.

″Deal,″ he nodded and reached for her hand to shake it.

″Is it wrong that I now somehow want them to lose just because I have such an hillarious, embarrassing outfit for you in my head?″ she chuckled.

″Yep, that is utterly, completely wrong, Lindsay,″ he said all serious before a grin flashed over his face yet again. ″I can't believe you rather see me in an embarrassing outfit than you see the Cubs win tonight.″

″I have to set priorities, right?″ she smirked before the joke in her voice disappeared and turned all serious instead. ″What about Muriel though? Doesn't she want to spend Halloween with you or go to that party with you?″

″She's going to Montreal,″ Jay shrugged, taking a sip from his beer, giving Erin the impression that he didn't want to talk about it if possible. But she cared about him so she couldn't deny the fact that she felt bad for him that the woman who was supposed the be his fiancée would leave him alone again on the following weekend.

″Again?″ Erin asked and raised her eyebrows. She knew Muriel loved her family and had a deep connection with all of her people from her former home but going there almost every weekend when her fiancé was in Chicago wasn't the nicest thing to do and she wondered whether Jay felt as neglected as she expected him to.

″Yeah,″ he nodded. ″She really misses her family and her friends. It's still not easy for her to live here.″

 _Yeah, but that's still no reason to go there every damn weekend,_ Erin thought but decided not to speak it out loud. Muriel and Jay have been together for three years now and as far as Jay had informed her, Muriel's trips to her hometown have increased immensely during the last few months. Erin couldn't help but think that it maybe had to do with her. But then again, when someone was jealous because their fiancé spent to much time with his female best friend, wouldn't they do everything to spend more time together than apart?

″Why don't you go there with her?″ Erin asked instead.

″I was there with her last weekend to celebrate a late Canadian Thanksgiving,″ he answered, keeping his gaze focussed on the screen. ″And she's going to some wellness hotel with her girlfriends anyway. One of them celebrates her 30th birthday in this fancy hotel somewhere in a more rural area of Quebec so she won't actually be in Montreal and there's no reason for me to go there.″

″Okay, then a Halloween party is definitely a lot more fun,″ she said, scanning the features of her best friend sternly for a moment. Talking about Muriel, the woman he would marry in some short months, something in his face had changed but she couldn't describe what exactly it was. And maybe she was just reading too much into it anyway, was seeing things that weren't actually there or was interpreting this situation and his behavior wrong. But maybe, just maybe, something was off. Maybe her best friend was going through a rough time. Maybe he needed her more than ever now to talk it off his chest.

″Jay,″ she said quietly. ″Are you happy?″

He turned his head around to her, his eyes meeting hers, and whatever she'd seen there before, it was gone now, his famous smile covering his face, his eyes sparkling in the light of the living room.

″Yeah, I am,″ he answered and Erin just needed to look at him, to hear his voice to know that he was being all honest with her...

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 **Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! Please leave a review and let me know what you think! Next chapter is called "Halloween".**


	2. Halloween

**Thank you all so much for your reviews, follows and favs, they really, really made my day! :) I wish I had the time to make this a longer story because there is so much I could tell but unfortunately I don't. So I hope these five chapters are enough although they're quite short and this story is reduced to a minimum ;)**

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 **2\. Halloween**

Erin lost the bet, the Cubs even went on to win the World Series much to everyone's delight, and instead of giving Jay a stuffed, giant ″Finding Nemo″ costume and laughing forever about this sight, she found herself in the middle of crowded Molly's on the 31st of October, dressed as a vampire, her face covered with white make-up and red lines down the corners of her lips that were supposed to be blood. She'd at least taken the effort to dress herself up but she thought that she looked more like a ghost than a vampire. When Jay had seen her earlier he'd assured that she looked scary enough to be a vampire. She hadn't been sure whether to take it as compliment or not.

Unfortunately attending the Halloween party in some freaky costume wasn't the only bet she'd lost that evening a week ago. Halfway through the game Jay'd come up with another one about a homerun for their team and the loser would have to drive in case they went to the party.

And now she was the one to drink juice fruit cocktails and water while Jay, who was dressed as the Joker from Batman and whose make-up looked notably better than her's, almost like he painted his face like this every day, had the joy to drink alcohol and get hopelessly drunk, which was apparently his goal for this night.

A couple of days back, during an observation in the 300, he'd suggested that they could simply take a cab or an uber and that the second bet was just supposed to be a joke as he simply wanted to enjoy to win against her, but as Erin still wasn't in the mood of celebrating Halloween in any way she was okay with her role of taking care that he would get home safely. Losing a bet was losing a bet after all and she would do what they'd agreed to. And it seemed like Jay really needed someone to bring him home safely tonight as he seemed to be way too drunk for his own good. He usually wasn't the kind of guy who lost control over hisself, so seeing this new side of him was kind of strange for Erin and also worried her deeply as she felt like he was just looking for distraction for some reason. He danced and laughed but he didn't seem _happy._ He was the one person who deserved all the happiness in the world but once again Erin couldn't help but think that he wasn't and that the make-up was hiding his true expressions perfectly, that the Joker's face rather suited him perfectly tonight as it reflected how he actually felt deep inside.

It was around three in the morning, after watching him anxiously for the whole evening and night, after listening to his silly jokes and still teasing him or goofing around with him from time to time because she didn't want to ruin this evening with her not-so-much-Halloween-mood, when Erin decided to call it a day and bring him home before things would get really out of control and he would end up dancing on the bar or something similar. Or worse.

She helped him to get into the car, helped him to buckle his seatbelt and then took her well-known position in the driver's seat and pulled out of the parking lot. Silence surrounded them during their drive to Jay's place and the only voices came from the music that played on the radio. Erin was sure Jay wasn't able to talk anymore and she herself didn't know what she should tell her completely drunk partner who would forget about any kind of conversation anyway. At least she had something to tease him with for the next few months but this was the only, though really small, positive outcome of this evening.

″Alright, you good?″ she asked after helping him to get out of the car, his trained body leaning on her small frame.

″Yeah, I'm fine,″ he said but of course he needed her help to get up the stairs to his apartment anyway, otherwise he surely would've run against the next wall.

″Where's your key?″ she asked him after they'd made it to the door of his apartment.

″Uhm...my pocket...wait,″ he said and his hand disappeared in the pocket of his dark jeans, revealing the silver key with the keychain in form of a motorcycle a couple of seconds later.

″Here,″ he said and gave her the key, his eyes fully focussing on hers in the moment his skin touched hers, touching her hand longer than he needed to.

It even took Erin a moment until she was able to break the contact with his deep blue eyes, that were slightly red because of the amout of alcohol he'd drunk within the last few hours, those eyes that were obviously at any place far away but not in the hallway in front of his apartment right now, and move her hand back from him so she could lock up his door and guide him into his apartment that was so much Muriel and so less Jay with all the flowers, corny paintings and outdated decoration.

″Okay, do you need any help?″ she asked.

″Uhm...maybe with all this stuff in my face?″ he asked and smiled weakly. Erin had to admit, she was surprised that he was still able to form full sentences that actually made sense. Drunk Jay apparently couldn't walk anymore and looked like to pass out any second, but his speech center still did an impressive job.

″Yeah sure, let's reveal that beautiful face again,″ she chuckled before even thinking about the things she was saying.

″You don't think I'm beautiful right now?″ he asked and his face lit up, his grin growing wider.

″Uhm...″ Erin stammered and she felt how her cheeks blushed. Luckily her face was covered in white make-up and Jay was too drunk to recognize it anyway though he'd managed to understand her words in no uncertain manner as it seemed. ″I just meant you usually look better, Halstead. Come on,″ she added casually, placed her hands on his muscular shoulder blades and pushed him towards the bathroom.

He leaned back against the sink, his hands firming on the vanity, while Erin looked for some cleansing wipes from Muriel in the cabinet and after finding them she softly brushed the blurred make-up from his face, having the feeling that his eyes were burning down on her.

″Okay,″ she said with the last brush, ″you just need to clean your face with a lot of water now.″

Ready to leave him alone for a moment so he could make himself ready for the night, she turned around but before she could step away she felt how Jay's warm, big hand found a spot on her lower back, holding her close to his body, almost proprietorial, which let a million different feelings inside of her detach in a heartbeat. In addition this simple touch was enough to send chills down her spine, to let her heart hammering strangely and unfamilarly in her chest. Not to mention this weird feeling in her stomach out of a sudden that felt like the fluttering of a dozen butterflies.

″Jay.″ Erin let out a sharp breath and tried to keep the distance between them but Jay gave his best to pull her tensed body even closer as they already were.

″Erin,″ he whispered and she could feel his hot breath in her neck. And more chills.

″Jay, this is not you,″ she said softly and looked up into his eyes, that suddenly seemed to be so clear and not at an absent place in booze-wonderland, his lips only centimeters away from hers. ″You're drunk and you don't know what you're doing.″

Jay stared back into her eyes when he said words that caught Erin completely off-guard in various ways. ″Maybe I'm not as drunk as you think I am.″

Erin's eyes widened in disbelief and for a moment she tried to figure out what this was supposed to mean, especially since this statement had come in such an unreal honesty and clarity. All the time he'd seemed to be drunk, too drunk to even walk straight, but in this very moment he seemed to be all sober, all clear in his head, like he was actually _knowing_ what he was saying. And doing. For a moment she wondered whether it was possible that he was aware of the fact that the was holding his best friend in his arms like she was more than just his best friend. Way more.

″Uhm...″ she stumbled, felt hot and cold at the same time and needed a minute to sort her thoughts and think straight again. ″You are Jay, you are. Tomorrow you won't even remember about the things you said tonight,″ she said, wondering whether this really sounded as sad as she felt in this moment. She could've sworn that something in Jay's eyes disappeared by her words. Something that had been there just a short moment ago. Like a light that has been turned off.

″Let's get you to bed, okay? I guess you could need a good night of sleep.″ Turning around on her heels once again, she left him alone in the bathroom, figuring he could wash his face and brush his teeth and most of all, change his clothes, all alone. This time he hadn't tried to hold her close, his limp arm letting go of her tiny frame.

She waited in his living room until he came back, paced up and down in front of his couch, trying to get the things that had happened in the middle of this night out of her head but somehow these short moments, that shouldn't be meaningful in any way, stuck with her, just like they were burnt into her memory now.

He's been drunk. He's been drunk. He's been absolutely drunk and had no idea what he was doing. That's what Erin told herself over and over again. Jay was her _best friend._ Jay would _never_ hurt a person he loved on purpose. Jay would _never_ cheat. When there was one thing she's learned about him during their hours-long conversations it was that Jay Halstead was the most honest man to walk the Earth. He couldn't lie, was really a horrible liar. She had no idea how he actually managed to be this good at working undercover because he could not even tell a fib in the tiniest way without other's recognizing it.

The gurgling of the flush and the sound of someone throwing up let Erin startle from her thoughts. She rushed over to the bathroom in no time, knocking on the wooden door before stepping into the room.

"Jay, are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm good," he choked, not sounding like he was in a good condition at all. Erin didn't hesitate another second and opened the door to be by Jay's side. Just as expected he was leaning over the toilet, emptying the content of his stomach into it.

"Hey," Erin said and knelt down next to him, placed her hand on his bare back supportingly. Cold sweat shimmered on his forehead and he was as white as the walls that surrounded them. "You done?"

"I think so," he breathed out and Erin reached for the toilet paper so he could clear the corners of his mouth and his lips before she helped him to get up and clearing his mouth and face with water and brushing his teeth again.

"Come on, let's get you to bed," she said afterwards and helped him to get to the bedroom, covered him with the ecru sheets. "I'll make you a cup of camomile tea, that will maybe help your stomach to settle," she said, brushing her thumb over his pale cheek with the soft stubble before she left him alone.

Coming back only five minutes later, she found him sleeping all peacefully. It was obvious that he was done with the world, his body taking the toll for completely losing it. Erin sat down on the edge of his bed and watched him sleeping for couple of moments, listened to his steady breathing. She wondered whether he would remember _anything_ from this night or not. Because she would for sure. Something inside of her felt upside down now and some sort of sadness surrounded her. Whether it was because of his words and what had happened or because she maybe had to accept the hard reality that a friendship with him wasn't possible after all, she didn't know.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Monday morning came and when Jay made himself a cup of coffe in the break room of the bullpen he still had the feeling that his head was about to explode any second although he'd spent the better part of Sunday in bed, not being able to move without that the world around him was spinning and stars were dancing in front of his eyes.

"Hey," he heard the raspy voice of his partner behind him and turned around, giving her a faint smile.

"Hey," he answered. "You want one, too?"

"Was this even a question?" she chuckled, reached for her favorite mug in the cupboard. "How are you doing though? Back with the living?"

"Uhm...more or less," he grinned and poured the dark, steaming liquid into their mugs.

"Looks like less to me," she sassed and grinned at him all innocent. They'd traded some texts throughout the day occasionally and Jay had constantly whined about how bad he felt, obviously wanting compassion from her but she hadn't done him the favor.

"Uh-huh," he nodded and tried to take a sip from his coffee, which of course ended in him burning his tongue. Erin watched him and tried not to chuckle because there was something else she needed to adress, something that had kept her awake the last two nights, something that made her heart as heavy as that she didn't feel to _really_ laugh anyway.

"Can I ask you something?" she asked and it sounded almost shy, the change in her voice being all obvious for Jay.

"Sure," he frowned and scanned her sternly, narrowed his eyes a little as he tried to figure out what this was about.

"Do you remember anything from Saturday night?"

"Uhm..." he stumbled and kept on staring at her for a moment. His memory was blurry but it was pretty much alive. He remembered the scene in the bathroom, when he'd held her in his arm, not wanting to let her go. But he couldn't tell her, could he? She was his best friend and he was engaged. Without all the alcohol he'd drunk that night this situation would never have happened, would it? "No, there's nothing. Mental blackout. Is there anything I should know?"

"No. No, not at all," Erin answered, shaking her head, and made her way to her desk so she could hide behind her computer. Jay was her best friend, nothing more but also nothing less. But yet, why did she feel like her heart's been broken?

She's never felt like this before, not when he'd introduced Muriel to her in the beginning of their partnership, not when he'd shown her the ring and had told her about the engagement, it had always been okay for her, she'd been happy for him because he'd been happy. So what the hell had changed within the last few days?

Not knowing how to deal with this new situation, with these new feelings which overstrained in more than just one way, she decided in this moment that they needed space. As much space as they could get because of course they were still working together. But no more evenings in her apartment to watch the games, no more spending time with him outside of their workplace. He was her best friend after all and whatever this was about, it had to stop instantly...

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 **Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it! Please leave a review and tell me what you think ;) Next chapter is called 'Christmas Tree'.**


	3. Christmas Tree

**Thank y'all again for your feedback, I'm beyond happy that you like this little story as much! :)**

 **The lyrics in this chapter are from "All I Want For Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey.**

 **I own nada.**

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 **3\. Christmas Tree**

Their silence, minus the time they spent together at work, lasted for exactly six weeks. Six weeks of Erin declining any attempts Jay made to spend time together and Jay accepting it. Although Erin didn't know that Jay was very much aware of the Halloween night and Jay didn't know about Erin's upside down turned feelings, they both seperately and individually knew that it was for the better to not hang out as just the two of them at the moment as it was way too dangerous.

While Erin concentrated on the job she loved, on bringing as much perps behind bars as possible, and on her other friends, Jay concentrated on his relationship, on bringing his life with Muriel back to the right ways and things really changed for the better between the two of them around Thanksgiving. Muriel was in Chicago for four weekends in a row, they enjoyed a perfect Thanksgiving with Jay's brother and his girlfriend and some more members of the Halstead family and they had the chance to finally do some coupley things together that distracted Jay from thinking about Erin too much. Things like ice-skating, strolling along the lake, doing the Christmas shopping and even spending a weekend up north at Lake Geneva. And doing all this stuff together and having some downtime with each other really helped to heal the things that had apparently somehow been broken.

When Erin saw the two of them together for the first time in a while, she even was okay with it and was able to exchange a few words with Muriel. She'd expected that it would somehow hurt to see them together, see them holding hands and exchanging tenderness, but it didn't. She'd somehow expected that she would maybe be a little jealous seeing Muriel clunged to Jay but this wasn't the case either. It seemed like her feelings were on their way back to their right place and she was back to accepting the fact that Jay and Muriel were engaged and, as it seemed lately, very happy. This was all she wanted for Jay. She wanted him to be happy. And apparently it all had just been a short-term crush on her best friend when he'd shown her his vulnerability and for whatever reason her heart had played crazy with her.

But what hurt instead was that she missed him. Damn she missed him so much. Just spending time with him, watching a game, goofing around and laughing wholeheartedly, discussing the latest episode of Stranger Things or listening to his nerdy talks about documentations he'd watched on Discovery Channel. She missed this feeling she only had when he was with her. All private. This comfortable feeling of being safe. And cared about. And loved. She missed his stupid grin, his sparkling eyes, his little laughters, his teddy-bear-hugs for goodbye. She missed her best friend and felt incredibly empty without him, like a puzzle with a missing piece. A big missing piece.

And this needed to change. For her, things were back to normal, so they could slowly start to spend more time with each other again. Maybe not as much as before but still. And she really hoped Jay felt the same about it. He'd taken their distance way too easy. But then again, of course a man like Jay would accept her wishes, would accept her saying no and would then not trying it any longer but giving her time and space. Plus, with Muriel being back in Chicago for a longer period of time, he of course has had other priorities during the last few weeks.

"Hey," she said nervously on Friday morning of a snowy day in early December when he joined her in the break room.

"Hey," he answered all casual and poured the black liquid into his mug as well.

"Soooo," she said and sipped on her coffee. "I have quite a big favor to ask for..."

"Do you?" he asked back and his smile grew bigger as he sensed that she needed him for it. "What do you need?"

"Could you maybe help me to carry my Christmas tree into my apartment tomorrow?"

"You already have a Christmas tree?"

"Not yet. Going to pick one tomorrow and then I'll need a strong man who can help me to carry it up the stairs," she grinned.

"Sure," he said and made a short pause before adding something Erin hadn't expected. "I'll pick you up at 10 in the morning," he winked, being already on the go.

"W...wait," Erin stumbled a little perplex. "What do you pick me up for?"

Jay turned around to her again and flashed her a bright smile. "I'm going to help you to find the perfect tree," he answered as if it wasn't a big deal.

″Christmas tree picking with you?″ she asked and raised her eyebrows.

″I'm a great Christmas tree picker,″ he smirked all proud.

"Pretty convinced, huh?" she chuckled, not really realizing how much she's been flirting with him during this short conversation. For her this was the normal way they always talked with each other. But maybe this was exactly why their friendship has slowly turned into something else.

"Of course," he laughed.

"Alright, you can prove that tomorrow," Erin nodded, smirking at him in the slightest way once more. She couldn't deny that she liked the idea to spend the whole day with him and since he'd offered it, she didn't even need to ask why he had so much time tomorrow because it was obvious that Muriel was out of town.

"Perfect," Jay smirked and left his spot in the doorframe to settle at his desk, hoping that the butterflies in his stomach would settle as well. Butterflies that were not allowed and not supposed to be there and had been perfectly silent during the last few weeks. Butterflies that have returned because of the glowing smile she'd given him that had displayed her adorable dimples perfectly. He'd missed this. And he'd missed her. He'd missed her more than someone should miss their best friend. And he was more excited for the day that was about to follow than he should've been, at the same time being somehow happy that Muriel was out of town, so he could spend time with Erin and being even happier that after those weeks of strange silence she'd asked him at all.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

They had a blast the following day, discussing each and every tree like they knew what they were talking about when they were actually just goofing around and enjoyed their 'reunion' and spending time with each other again. While Jay found quite some firs he liked and suggested she should take, none of them seemed to meet Erin's requirements. Too big, too small, not nicely grown, too many holes, ugly in general. Maybe it was a little selfish from Erin to let him walk through the rows of trees for two hours in the freezing cold, passing the same trees over and over again, but she enjoyed this time with him too much, wanted their reunion to last longer, as that she wanted to pick a tree after only ten minutes. Eventually she of course decided for one, the one Jay had suggested as the second or third tree already and of course he gave her the brightest winning grin and also told her that he'd shown her exactly this perfect tree almost two hours ago already. Erin only shrugged in response and simply told him that she needed to see all of them before deciding for one because there could've been an even better one which Jay once again countered with the argument that he was a great Christmas tree picker for a reason and that he therefore of course knew that this was the best tree. Erin just laughed at him and told him that he was allowed to think whatever he wanted to think if it made him happy but she also of course teased him about boosting his ego so much.

After carrying the quite big tree up into her apartment without one of them falling down the stairs and finding the perfect place for it in front of her giant windows, Jay asked whether she needed help with decorating the tree with ornaments. For a moment Erin thought that it was maybe better if they didn't spend that much time together but today she's felt as good as she hasn't in a long time. Which was because of him, so of course she wanted him to stay with her.

She should have said no. She should have said she was okay and could do it alone. She should've known that they played with fire. She should've known that her feelings were still fragile and that spending so much time with him was still dangerous. She simply should have said he should go home. But she couldn't and didn't and so he stayed.

While cheesy christmas songs played in the background and while satisfying their growling stomachs with gingerbread and Christmas Cookies and chocolate, Jay was the one to decorate the tree with fairy lights and afterwards helped Erin with all the various ornaments. As the tree was so big, it took quite a while until every ornament was at its place and for bringing the star up to the top, Erin sat on Jay's shoulders, his hands firming around her legs to hold her safely, as even Jay was not tall enough to put it there without risking to fall into the tree and destroying their work and as they were both too lazy to ask one of the neighbors for a ladder.

″Looking good,″ Erin smiled all proud when she was back on the ground. This was for sure the most beautiful and most impressive Christmas tree she's ever had.

″Wait for the big moment,″ Jay grinned and walked to the light switch next to the kitchen bar to turn it off, leaving the room all dark and only enlightened by the fairy lights, the soft sound of some Christmas song still playing in the background to make this moment even more perfect.

″Wow,″ she whispered, ″this is beautiful.″

″Yeah, I'd say we did a great job,″ Jay chuckled, closing the gap between them and defending the urgent wish to wrap his arms around her tiny frame from behind to hold her close. To bury his face in her hair and inhale the sweet scent of her vanilla shampoo.

″Uh-huh. Thanks for helping me,″ she answered and turned around to him and tried to give him a thankful smile. But she failed and instead gave him that kind of amorous smile she wasn't supposed and allowed to give him.

″Always,″ Jay smirked back, making another small step into her direction, her sparkling eyes and her angelic smile with those dimples attracting him like a magnet.

Erin didn't miss his attempt of getting closer to her but she couldn't take a step back either to bring the original distance between them back. She was glued to the fairy lights that reflected in his crystal blue eyes, to his satisfied facial expressions in the glow of the Christmas tree and to this cute little smirk that surrounded his lips. He looked like the happiest man in the world and there was nothing she loved more than seeing him like this. There was nothing that made him more attractive than being his real happy self.

Automatically, and without having control over her body, she made the smallest of steps forward as well, never taking her eyes off of him, the smell of his cologne taking command of her senses and guiding her to where she wanted to be. As close as possible to him. In his strong arms. Touching his face like she did a few weeks back when he'd been too drunk for his own good. Brushing her lips against his.

Their faces were as close as never before and Jay felt a nervous fluttering in his stomach, felt how he lost his senses in the smell of her perfume. His brain has stopped to function the second he'd made the first step closer to her and he couldn't fight against the urge, the deep wish, to kiss her anymore. He couldn't deny it any longer. He wanted to feel these perfect lips against his lips, he wanted to taste them, he wanted to touch her face and stroke her cheek, her beautiful, soft skin. He wanted to feel alive again. In this moment the realization hit him that he simply wanted to know again how it felt to kiss a person he loved with all his heart.

Erin looked up into this perfect face of the man who looked at her like she was the only star in the sky, like she was the only woman in his world. In this moment her heart won the inner fight, this deep conflict, against her brain that tried to tell her how stupid this was, and her brain surrendered, giving her heart the chance to get what it longed for.

Once again she could feel his hot breath against her face as they were already this close and once again it sent chills down her spine, goosebumps occuring all over her body. Butterflies, that for sure had the size of eagles, taking off in her stomach and making her want to giggle amorously.

Like magnets that needed to be together and couldn't be kept apart, she got on her tiptoes and leaned in in the exact same moment he leaned in...

 _ **I don't want a lot for Christmas**_

 _ **There is just one thing I need**_

 _ **I don't care about the presents**_

 _ **Underneath the Christmas tree**_

 _ **I just want you for my own**_

 _ **More than you could ever know**_

 _ **Make my wish come true**_

 _ **All I want for Christmas is you**_

It was over before the magic could happen when they both pulled back in the same moment, miliseconds before their lips met, not like two magnets that attracted each other, but rejecting each other like south pole and south pole or north pole and north pole, suddenly waking up from their fairytale and realizing what they were doing.

″I'm sorry,″ Jay whispered, his eyes wide in shock. ″I gotta go,″ he said somewhat breathlessly, turned around, reached for his jacket that lay on the backrest of her couch and left her apartment without looking at her again, leaving Erin back speechless and unable to realize what just had happened. Or had not happened. If this wasn't her being delusional, if this wasn't just her imagination playing tricks with her, this had not just been her who'd tried to kiss him but it had also been him who'd wanted to kiss her. That those feelings, she was still trying to deny and to suppress, have been mutual. That his statement in his bathroom a couple weeks back had not been a result of him being hopelessly drunk but had been him talking to her in all honesty. Now that she was thinking about it she remembered a saying that drunk people were almost the most honest ones. Because they talked with their heart and spoke out loud what they thought, couldn't really control which words slipped from their tongues.

Pacing up and down in her living room and telling the butterflies and eagles in her stomach to settle the hell down and telling her stupid heart to stop acting like some teenager that was out of control, Erin kept on thinking about the fact that she had almost kissed her best friend and that her best, _engaged_ friend had almost kissed her, for almost an hour. In the end she came up with no real conclusion other than that they needed to talk urgently. She didn't even have an explanation for her own behavior. Jay was a taken man and no matter that his feelings were obviously also fooling him at the moment, she didn't want to be the reason for him and Muriel to have trouble, or even worse, break up. She didn't want to be that kind of girl who was guilty for destroying a relationship, a future. She didn't want to be that bitch who allured a taken man. But yet, wasn't that exactly what she'd been doing?

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Erin's night consisted of tossing and turning and turning and tossing and somewhen around four in the morning she wrote Jay a message that they needed to talk as soon as possible, suggested him to meet at the Buckingham Fountain in Grant Park around noon the following day. It didn't even take a minute until she got his answer, a simple k. She wasn't surprised that he was still up because she sensed he felt just as bad and confused as she did but she was surprised that after how the evening had ended, he answered that quick. She'd somehow expected that he maybe didn't want to have _that_ conversation. But it needed to be made. They couldn't ignore the things that had happened and she also wanted to apologize for being weak and losing herself in her feelings for a short moment. She still wasn't sure whether it had just been on her, but somehow she wanted to ask him why he'd allowed this situation to happen at all...

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 **Thanks for reading! Please leave a review, they always make my day! :) Lots of things are going to happen in the next chapter and I'll try to upload it tomorrow! :)**


	4. I Want You To Be The One

**Thank you all for the feedback on my last chapter! :) Lyrics in this one are again from "All I Want For Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey.**

 **I still own nada.**

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 **4\. I Want You To Be The One**

Erin felt as nervous as a kid on its first day at school when she waited for him at the Buckingham Foutain shortly before noon on the following day and therefore concentrated on the snowflakes that fell from the sky. When Jay approached her a couple of minutes later, his hands deep in the pockets of his jacket, his gaze focussed on the ground, her heart literally dropped to her knees. She had suggested this conversation but she had no idea what she wanted to say and how she wanted to say it at all. The only thing she knew was that there were things that needed to be said.

″Uhm, hey,″ she said when he was close enough to hear her and her voice came all insecure, completely reflecting how she felt about this whole situation.

″Hey,″ he said and gave her a faint smile but it was an untypical smile for him.

″Soooo-″ Erin started but Jay interrupted her instantly.

″I'm sorry about yesterday. I shouldn't have run out of there and leaving you there like this and I owe you an explanation. But I was overstrained with this whole...situation.″

″Me too,″ Erin nodded.

″I shouldn't have tried to kiss you,″ Jay said quietly before she could tell him these exact same words. These words which were confirming the suspicion she's had that it had not been just her. At the same time, her stomach also turned a little by his words, urging her to swallow down a lot of feelings that suddenly came up with his statement.

″Why did you?″ she asked, her eyes fully focussing on his gaze. But he kept on staring to the ground, making some random patterns into the snow with the tip of his shoe.

″I don't know,″ he mumbled and shrugged his shoulders. It was obvious that he was searching for an explanation himself, so Erin didn't answer anything and just waited.

″I...I...," he hummed and hawed, biting his lower lip with his teeth, "do you know this feeling when you...when you realize that what you have is not what you want?″ Asking this question was the first time that he lifted his head and looked directly into her eyes and Erin could see the silent desperation reflecting from his blues. She knew he was torn. Torn like never before.

″Jay,″ she almost whispered, her voice also showing hints of desperation. ″What is going on?″

″It doesn't work...Muriel and me. For months already we've been fooling ourselves. Everything was going well until we started to grow apart when she started to fly to Montreal almost every weekend and until...″ he said but his voice trailed off. He didn't need to finish his sentence though, Erin knew what he wanted to tell her, understood the unspoken. ″She's not happy here,″ he added and took a deep breath. ″And I'm not happy with her.″

Erin had to swallow hardly by these words, by this meaningful glance he was giving her. It was the confirmation of what she'd sensed all the way along but it was hard for her to hear that he was unhappy.

″A few weeks back I asked you whether you are happy and you said yes. And I knew you were being honest with me...so what changed?″

″I was happy, Erin...because I was with you.″

Boom. These words brought Erin's heart to its edge, ready to jump out of her chest any second but at the same time ready to jump from the cliff and drop to her smallest toe. Over all these months with all these bonding moments she's apparently not been the only one to develop feelings for her best friend. Those feelings have been mutual.

Jay spoke again before Erin could sort all of her thoughts let alone find her words again. ″Muriel and me...it doesn't make sense anymore and I will end-″

″No!″ Erin called, the word 'end' being the one that brought her back to reality and resounded in her head. ″No. No. No,″ she said desperately and placed her hand on Jay's chest. She didn't want to be _that_ girl.

″Jay, do not throw it all away over me,″ she begged, her eyes being wide in shock. ″Please, do not throw it all away over me. You asked her to marry you for a reason. Because you love her. Because you want a future with her. You didn't ask her for nothing, Jay. Do not make an overhasty decision that you will regret one day based on your current, confused feelings.″

″It's not fair to her to pretend that she is what I want, to pretend that I love her. It's not fair to myself to keep on suppressing my real feelings just because I'm afraid of hurting her, because I don't want to be _that_ guy. I don't know whether it is because she was away that often and we simply grew apart or whether it is because we, you and me, grew closer but when you start developing feelings for another woman it's the only fair thing to end the relationship you're in.″

″Jay, don't,″ she begged him once again. ″We'll stop spending so much time with each other, we'll change partners at work-″

″Erin, I don't want to stop spending time with you,″ he whispered and inhaled a deep breath. ″I realized that what I want is you."

″No,″ Erin breathed out, being unable to believe what was happening here, feeling paralyzed, unable to move because she was beyond overstrained. She should've been happy about Jay telling her he wanted her but she could in no way be happy about the outcome of this whole mess. ″Jay, you two wanted to marry. You bought this beautiful ring and you asked her for a reason. You want to be married. You want to have kids, you told me about possible names you like. You told me how much you want to be a father. Do not throw that all away over me...I'm not worth it...because I can't even tell you whether this is what I ever want. Marriage and kids. Go back to your fiancée, work on your relationship, forget me and get the future you dream of. Because you deserve that your dreams come true Jay. You deserve all the happiness.″

″And I'm the happiest when I'm with you.″

″No,″ Erin said once again and shook her head. ″No Jay. I'm sorry. Fix it as long as you still can,″ she said, gave him one last glance and then almost ran away.

After a first attempt of running after her, Jay decided that it was better to give her time and space. There were some things he needed to sort out first anyway and so he only watched her disappearing in the distance.

 _ **I don't want a lot for Christmas**_

 _ **There is just one thing I need**_

 _ **I don't care about the presents**_

 _ **Underneath the Christmas tree**_

 _ **I don't need to hang my socking**_

 _ **There upon the fireplace**_

 _ **Santa Claus won't make me happy**_

 _ **With a toy on Christmas day**_

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It was Christmas Eve, shortly after 10pm and Erin had just returned from spending the evening at Hank's house, enjoying his delicious dinner and some quality time with him her little brother Justin. This was all she needed right now, all she needed to _forget._ Every distraction was a welcome one.

These last three weeks had been hard, the hardest in her life for sure as she's never felt as bad before. She hasn't talked a single word with the man who used to be her best friend since the day at the Buckingham Fountain. She's been ignoring him at work, they have changed partners for the time being and Jay had taken a few personal days off anyway that had made things easier for her. She still didn't know how to handle this whole situation and she had no idea how things could ever be normal again between the two of them. Maybe the magic word was time. But maybe things would always stay awkward between them which was a horrifying thought. And this was what made her heart heavy. In addidtion to her still upside down turned feelings which also weren't back to normal yet and kept on playing tricks with her heart.

Erin sipped on her whiskey and eyed her Christmas tree. This stupid Christmas tree had destroyed everything and all she saw when she looked at it was this picture-perfect scene, that could've been from some cheesy movie for sure, when they had almost completely lost it three weeks ago. The moment when their lips had been as close as never before, their feelings taking command over their brains.

A silent knock on her door let Erin startle from these memories as she hadn't expected this at all. It was quite late after all and who would want to visit her at that time of the day? For a moment she considered ignoring it, simply pouring her whiskey down and going to bed but she's always been a curious person.

She placed her whiskey on the kitchen counter and walked to the door, only opened it enough so she could take a look at the person who stood in front of it. In fact, she should've known who it was. She should've known who would stand in front of her apartment on Christmas Eve. She should've gone to bed. But instead she found herself in her doorframe, face-to-face with the man who still made her heart beat unhealthy fast, made it skip a beat. Or two. Or three.

″Hey,″ he said all quiet.

Erin had to swallow a suddenly built lump in her throat before she was able to speak, out of a sudden having the feeling that it was unbelievably hot in her apartment.

″Hey,″ she answered back, still not changing her current position and giving him the chance to get into her apartment.

″May I...may I come in?″ he stammered, his cheeks blushing slightly.

″Uhm...I don't think this would be a good idea,″ Erin shrugged, studying his facial features sternly. He looked sad, broken and somehow kind of lonely. In this moment she was sure he'd spent the better part of this Christmas Eve all alone, most likely with some beers, takeout and the rerun of a game running on TV. Or maybe a nerdy documentation. And just imaginging this she felt bad for him. More than she should have.

″Please, Erin,″ he begged her, never taking her eyes off her which made her feel awkwardly uncomfortable.

″Jay-″ Erin sighed.

″Erin, please,″ he begged once again and as much as she wanted to hell him to simply leave her alone, she couldn't. As much as she wanted to say no to his request, she couldn't. Without saying another word, she opened the door, giving him the silent sign that she allowed him to step into her apartment. She closed the door behind him and followed him into the living room that was only enlightened by the fairy lights of the Christmas tree. _Their_ Christmas tree.

″Nice tree,″ Jay said after a moment of awkward silence, turning his gaze around to her. Of course it was meant to be a joke, a way to break the ice. But Erin wasn't quite ready for this. Actually, she wasn't ready for anything at the moment.

″Jay, what do you want?″ she asked, impatience resounding in her voice.

″What I want?″ he asked back furiously and took a few steps to close the gap between them, suddenly being dangerously close to her. ″What I want?″ he asked again but this time his voice was a faint whisper. And just like this, without any further warning, he pressed his lips against hers, ever so soft, ever so sweet, in exactly the way she's always dreamed about. Unable to pull back, she allowed their lips to melt in a firework of overstrained feelings until it was Jay who broke the kiss and stared into her face with literal heart-eyes.

 _ **I just want you for my own**_

 _ **More than you could ever know**_

 _ **Make my wish come true**_

 _ **All I want for Christmas is you**_

″This is what I want,″ he said, taking a deep breath and Erin knew that there was more to come, not being ready to listen yet because the only thing she could concentrate on was the taste his lips had left on hers. "It took me a while to really allow myself to feel like this but during all these hours we spent together I realized that this is what I want, Erin. Every time that I look at you all I see is everything I want to have.″

"Jay," Erin breathed out, her voice as shaky as she felt by his words that were almost a love declaration.

″Erin," Jay said before she was able to say more than his name. "I want you to be the one to wake up next to me every morning. I want you to be the one to fall asleep in my arms every evening. I want you to be the one to argue about who has to do the laundry and who took the last milk from the fridge. I want you to be the one I make breakfast for. I want you to be the one to watch the games with me, just like we always did, with the difference that I can hold you in my arms and kiss your hair. I want you to be the one who one day answers a certain question with yes. I want you to be the one I give a promise for eternity to. I want you to be the one who one day tells me she's carrying my child. I want you to be the one I grow old with. I want you to be the one I retire with in Wisconsin. I want you Erin,″ he said emphatically but yet so soft, it made Erin's heart racing in excitement, his words bringing her on the edge of her emotions. And into a deep conflict. Without any doubt she wanted most of this as well but there was always a difference between wanting something and the harsh reality.

She chose her words carefully, not wanting to hurt him, although she knew she would anyway, not wanting to hurt herself but she was beyond that point already.

″Sometimes we have to accept that we can't get what we want,″ she said raspily.

″What is that supposed to mean?″ he frowned.

″I think you understood,″ she answered, inhaling a deep breath before saying the words that would break his heart. And hers. ″There's no you and I, Jay.″

″Erin,″ he stumbled and reached for her hand. ″There is. Muriel and I broke up three weeks ago and..-″

″I never begged you to do this,″ Erin said and her voice was rising as she pulled her hands back from his. ″You remember? I said you shall fix things before it's too late. I never wanted you to leave her for me.″

″It was too late already, Erin. I think I made that point clear,″ he said, his eyes showing so much pain and desperation and even a hint of hopelessness, it broke Erin's fragile heart. ″So tell me Erin, is _this_ not what you want?″ he asked all soft and she knew exactly that he was referring to their kiss.

″No,″ she breathed out and it took her everything. She didn't even dare to look at him because she couldn't handle seeing his devastated face.

"Then look me in the eyes and tell me in all honesty that _this_ is not what you want, Erin. Just tell me that I was wrong all the way along," he said furiously.

"I can't," she answered so quiet, Jay could hardly understand her but he let out a long breath by her words.

″What do you want then, Erin?″ he asked quietly and she could hear in his voice that he was feared of her answer.

″You broke up with Muriel not even three weeks ago and now you're standing in my apartment, basically telling me that you want a future with me? After three weeks? I don't want to be the next girl in line, Jay,″ she answered, finally telling him what this was all about, why she couldn't just simply move on and start dating him right away. ″I don't want to be the girl you broke up with your fiancée for. I don't want to be the girl that destroyed your relationship and then immediately starts dating you. And most of all, I want you to figure out what you want, Jay.″

Especially the last statement brought a deep frowning onto his face. ″I just told you what I want, didn't I?″

″Yeah, kinda. But until a couple of weeks ago you wanted Muriel. You wanted to marry her. You wanted to have kids with her, a future with her. And now you suddenly want me? What happens when you meet another woman at some point? Will this story repeat itself? How do I know that you still want me in two years? How do I know that you still want me even if marriage and kids are not on my agenda? You want me now but what do you want a couple years from now? That's what I want you to figure out, Jay,″ she said quietly, trying to hide the sad undertone in her voice, trying not to show him what an emotional wreck she was right now.

″Erin-″ Jay whispered, reaching for her hand once again but she pulled back just like she had before.

″No Jay,″ she said and shook her head. ″I want you to figure this out, _really_ figure this out. And when you have and you still feel the same, I want you to fight for me. And for now I just want you to go.″

Jay looked at her for another short moment and as he wasn't able to say anything, he only nodded his head in the slightest way, recognizing the tears that welled in her eyes, before he turned around and left her apartment as sudden as he'd shown up in front of it...

 ** _I won't ask for much this Christmas_**

 ** _I won't even ask for snow_**

 ** _And I'm just keep on waiting_**

 ** _Underneath the mistletoe_**

 ** _'Cause I just want you here tonight_**

 ** _Holding on to me so tight_**

 ** _What more can I do_**

 ** _Oh, all I want for Christmas is you_**

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 **Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it although it wasn't as happy as you maybe hoped. Please leave a review and tell me what you think! :) To be honest, my first intention was to end this story at this point because reality is that love stories don't always have a happy end. But it's Christmas and it's FanFicition, so there'll be one last chapter and an end hopefully everyone can live with. It's called 'Merry Christmas'.**

 **On that note, Happy Holidays everyone! :)**


	5. Merry Christmas

**Thank y'all for the reviews and your support! Here comes the last part of this story. Once again I have to say that I wish I had the time to make this a longer story because there's lots of stuff I'd like to tell so I wouldn't have to throw such an ending at you. In case you're not really into corny and clichee happy endings, you should maybe not read it ;) I'm not 100% happy with how it turned out but as I didn't want to write a happy end at all it's better than nothing I guess.**

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 **5\. Merry Christmas**

 _Four years later_

Dressed in just her comfy, warm pyjamas and some cozy socks, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, Erin watched the snow falling down in front of the window, turning the world into winterwonderland in the shortest amount of time. It was Christmas Morning, way too early to be up already but she'd been excited for this day to come and had already played Santa this morning, storing all the gifts under the Christmas tree. And ever since she'd finished, she's been sitting on the couch, her knees tucked to her body, and has watched the snowflakes dancing outside while waiting for her husband to wake up so they could celebrate Christmas up here in his cabin in Wisconsin.

Husband. It still sounded so strange but yet so perfect. Four years ago to the day she hadn't thought that she would call Jay her husband one day, her imagination had never traveled to that possibility. But he'd accepted her wishes and had given her time and space. A lot of time and a lot of space. And she'd really kept him on the tenterhooks back then, her stubbornnes being quite an obstacle for him to overcome but he'd been just as resistant as she had been, just in the opposite way. Thinking back to this time now, she wondered why Jay had never given up when she'd given him at least a million reasons to do so and how he'd been able to hold on when it would've been easier for him to simply move on and find happiness with someone else. But giving her the time and space she'd needed and never giving up had been his way to fight for her. It had in fact been what she'd wanted him to do but she hadn't expected him to hold on for so long, so he'd literally fought for her in a way she'd never thought a man would ever fight for her. Or for any woman. And slowly but steady their banter and the trust, especially her trust in his feelings and in her own feelings had returned in addition to the love that was still very much alive, this love they had for each other finally exploding in a firework of feelings and emotions shortly before Christmas three years ago.

 _"What are you doing here?" Erin asked Jay, who was standing in front of her door, smilingly. It was Saturday afternoon, a week before Christmas, and she'd just finished to decorate her Christmas tree. Which had brought back so many memories to when she'd done this last year with the man who was now leaning in her doorway, carrying a bag of nourishments in his hands. While daydreaming about almost kissing Jay in front of her tree a year back she'd realized how much she wished him to be there and repeat this scene with the simple difference that their lips would actually meet this time. It had to be thought transference that he was really here now, looking as handsome as always._

 _"We are going to bake," Jay smirked, using her moment of confusion to make his way into her apartment._

 _"We're what?" Erin asked after closing the door from the inside, furrowing a brow as she watched him placing the huge bag on her kitchen counter._

 _"We're going to bake," he repeated his words, chuckling slightly by her confused and unimpressed facial expression._

 _"What exactly are we going to bake?" she asked, her curiosity leading her to catch a glimpse into the bag. But as she wasn't an ace in the kitchen at all she had absolutely no idea what one could do with all these ingredients._

 _"A gingerbread house," Jay answered casually but seeing her jaw dropping by his words, his smile grew unbelievably big. Knowing that he's left her speechless he kept on talking with the softest of voices, his eyes being just as soft as he looked down into her perfect face. "A couple weeks back you said you never had a homemade one, so I looked for my mom's old recipe and I thought we could try to make one ourselves."_

 _"Uhm, okay," Erin stammered and felt how her cheeks blushed. Lately she's been feeling like a lovestruck teenager in his presence a lot. And him wanting to make a gingerbread house with her and especially looking for his mom's recipe was so cute and adorable, her heart jumped up and down inside of her chest. "But you know that I'm a horrible baker and will most probably burn down the entire apartment, right?" she added, laughing huskily._

 _"I know you are," Jay grinned and earned a little punch on his shoulder from her in return. "But that's why I'm here. I'll take care that your apartment doesn't burst into flames and that our gingerbread house doesn't look like the remains of Mordor."_

 _"So noble," Erin grinned, shaking her head slightly. "But a Mordor gingerbread house would be something new at least."_

 _"For sure," Jay chuckled and started to spread all the things they needed on the kitchen counter._

 _Making a gingerbread house all by themselves was a tough piece of work and they spent the whole afternoon with making the batter and then forming and making the pieces they would later need to build a house. They even made little window shutters, doors and stars they could later decorate the house with. Jay couldn't hold back with teasing Erin about how clumsy she was when it came to baking but of course Erin always 'barked' back and teased him about something else in return, their banter being as alive as seldom before. After baking the single pieces and waiting for them to cool down, it was time for the most difficult part of their whole project: to glue the pieces together with sugar icing._

 _They really needed four hands and all their concentration to do this and Erin felt Jay's body being as close to hers as it hasn't been in a year. Every time his skin brushed against hers because it was inevitable while they tried that their house didn't fall apart again immediately, she felt how her heart started to hammer against her chest in excitement._

 _"Okay, big moment, take your hands away," Jay said after hours of glueing the same pieces over and over again when the roof was finally on top and their house was finished, except of the decorations that were still missing._

 _"You sure?" Erin asked. "What if it ALL breaks down now?"_

 _"Then we have to glue it together again," Jay chuckled._

 _"Oh God, we better did a brilliant job here," Erin sighed. As much as she liked to spend time with Jay and being so close to him, she wasn't keen of doing it all again._

 _"We'll see," Jay winked. "Now take those hands away."_

 _Erin pulled her hands back, anxiously waiting whether their house was built on solid grounds, inwardly waiting for it to break down into all its single pieces. Much to her surprise it was still in one piece after five minutes._

 _"Ha, see," Jay smirked proudly._

 _"Not bad," she grinned and high-fived the hand he was offering her._

 _After taking a short break they spent with drinking a bottle of beer and eating some nachos, it was time to deorate the house with more sugar icing, the little doors and window shutters and candy which was yet another challenge that needed quite a lot of time. But thanks to them being such a great team they managed to do it in an impressive manner and after glueing the last of the colorful smarties on the roof of the house and drawing the last flourish on one of the walls, their masterpiece was finally finished._

 _"This is the best gingerbread house ever," Erin assessed their work of the last couple of hours._

 _"Uh-huh," Jay smirked proudly. "I think this might even be better than the ones my mom always made."_

 _"Naah, I doubt that. But for the first time we surely did a great job," she said and turned her head to Jay, flashing him a glowing smile. "Thank you for this. For somehow giving me a piece of the childhood I never had."_

 _"Always," Jay murmured and only now Erin recognized how close they were to each other. They have been all afternoon in fact, but now was the first time that they also faced each other, that they looked directly looked into each other's eyes. Blue into hazel-green-grey._

 _"Uhm," she stammered, feeling his gaze burning on her skin. And that he grinned at her like a Chesire Cat didn't make the situation any better. "What do you think about ordering something to eat? Indian? Or Chinese? Or Mexican? What do you want?" she asked and tried to grab her phone so she didn't have to look at him anymore and could distract herself._

 _"You know that there's some frosting in your face, right?" Jay smirked and without waiting for her answer, without hesitating any longer, he reached out and brushed his thumb over her cheek. By this softest of touches, Erin's whole body froze instantly, except of her heart which was pounding in her chest. She looked up into his face again and the look he gave her, this look full of undeniable love, was enough for her to finally give up fighting against her own feelings and instead allowed herself to let it happen. Finally. This man loved her and she knew in this moment that he would forever. He was the one for her and she was the one for him. She got up on her tiptoes, finally doing what she's wanted to do for so long when she brushed her lips against his, when she let her feelings do the talking, soft and shy in the beginning. She felt how Jay parted his lips, allowing her to deepen the kiss and responding with starting to caress her tongue with his. It took them a while until they were able to pull back and they only did so because they ran out of breath._

 _"I think I'm suddenly not hungry anymore," Erin said huskily, heat overflowing her whole body, her legs feeling weak, overwhelmed by dozens of various feelings. "What about you?"_

 _"I am hungry. But not for food," Jay smirked, his face glowing as bright as the lights on the Christmas tree, his smile reaching his eyes and letting them sparkle unbelievably._

 _"Great," she murmured in response. After waiting for each other for so long having dinner was the last thing on their minds right now and all they wanted to do was showing the other how much they meant to them by melting their two bodies into one. Jay started to kiss her again, first her lips, then her neck, his hands starting to explore her waist and her butt and her hands finding a spot on his neck to pull him closer to her body so she could feel how ready he was for her even through the fabric of his jeans. And when he then lifted her up by her thighs to carry her to the bedroom it was only the beginning of a firework of feelings and emotions that was about to follow, finally giving all of these feelings, that had been bottled up deep down inside for over a year now, the chance to burst out of them. And it wasn't just the beginning of a firework of kisses and touches and of getting lost in each other, it was much more the beginning of their forever._

 ** _I won't make a list and send it_**

 ** _To the North Pole for Saint Nick_**

 ** _I won't even stay awake_**

 ** _To hear those magic reindeer click_**

 ** _'Cause I just want you here tonight_**

 ** _Holding on to me so tight_**

 ** _What more can I do_**

 ** _Oh, Baby all I want for Christmas is you_**

Since that day, Erin and Jay have made gingerbread houses every year, slowly but steady becoming real pros. And it seemed like all the life-changing events in their lives happened around Christmas ever since that day four years ago when everything seemed to be destroyed and the day three years ago when their forever started. Last year on Christmas morning she'd gotten the most perfect and most beautiful proposal a woman could ever get, that kind of of proposal every woman dreamed of, when Jay had knelt down in front of their Christmas tree and had asked her to become his wife. Her answer had been yes, something she hadn't thought she'd ever say, but this one word had slipped from her mouth without that she even had to think about it, in such an unknown easiness it had surprised herself. And just this May they'd tied the knot during a small but beautiful wedding ceremony in Chicago with all their closest friends and family when they'd said 'I do', when they'd given each other promises for eternity, when she became Erin Halstead, a married woman, a wife. His wife.

Now it was Christmas again and another life-changing thing was just around the corner.

They've been up here in his cabin in Wisconsin before, always during the spring, summer or fall but they've never been here for Christmas. But with all the wedding preparations earlier this year and then them moving into a own house in the suburbs a couple months back and not to forget their stressful jobs it's been quite a busy year and now they just wanted to have time for themselves and literally fled from the city turmoil to enjoy some easy and lazy days with just each other in the middle of nowhere, this perfect, peaceful piece of nature that was covered in inches of fresh powder.

She couldn't wait to go outside later to make snow angels, to maybe skate on the frozen lake, to have snowball fights with Jay, to maybe find a little hill for tobogganing, to stroll through the inches of snow, to maybe even build a snowman and enjoy this picture-perfect winterday, this white Christmas she's dreamed of since she was a child. And she couldn't wait to see him and Harley playing in the snow because these two together were simply the cutest and most adorable thing to watch and it was a joy to witness Jay goofing around with their six months old Rhodesian Ridgeback puppy who was currently all curled up on her blanket in front of her.

They'd adopted their fur baby a couple months back after finding her and her siblings in an abandoned warehouse during what had been supposed to be a bust, those seven little pups being just as abandoned as the warehouse itself and they had then decided to keep one of them as it was the perfect preparation for things that could might come one day. Because during the last few years with Jay her opinion about having kids has also changed, the thought of having a baby with him has grown on her constantly.

″Hey baby,″ the voice of her husband startled her from her memories and thoughts and Harley immediately jumped up from the couch and ran to Jay, being all excited that he was awake.

″You meant me or the dog?″ Erin chuckled and got up to kiss him passionately.

″The dog of course,″ Jay twinkled.

″Knew it,″ Erin laughed, tracing circles into his bare chest with her fingertips. ″You replaced me pretty fast.″

″Uh-huh,″ he smirked and pressed another kiss on her lips.

″Should've told Santa that before so he would might have forgotten you,″ Erin sassed and motioned her head to the gifts under the tree.

″Are these mine?″ he asked.

″Nope, the dog's,″ Erin sassed, Jay's favorite raspy chuckle escaping from her mouth.

″Damn Harley, you're one lucky girl,″ he grinned and got down on his knees to pet the puppy extensively and of course she immediately fell on her back so he could tickle her stomach.

″But I guess my man is a lucky man, too, because I saw Santa putting at least one for him there either.″

″Now I feel special,″ he smirked up to her. ″Come on Harley, let's see what Santa brought us,″ he said to the dog and got up to walk to the tree, got down on his knees there again, Harley always being next to him because she wanted to see what he was doing.

″This one says Jay,″ he said all proud and reached for what seemed like some box wrapped in fancy paper. Of course Jay would reach for his biggest present first although there were two other's for him. But Erin knew her man and had expected and in this case even wanted him to open this one first. Because it was the most special one. The best one. The most important one.

″Well, I guess there's only one Jay here, huh?″ Erin chuckled and got down on her knees behind him so she could look over his shoulder.

″Yeah, true,″ he agreed and started to unwrap it, Harley's nose always being in the way somehow as this little pup was a bundle of curiosity and always needed to see everything first, needed to check out whether there were some goodies for her hidden in the box.

″What's that?″ Jay asked when in fact a box was revealed.

″I don't know, ask Santa,″ Erin whispered into his ear, this angelic laughter of hers filling the air of the living room once again.

″I guess Santa wants me to open it,″ he noticed and lifted the lit from the box to see its content, pushing Harley's wet nose away gently. In the first moment he frowned slightly as only a stuffed teddy, he thought was for Harley, and some pictures were revealed but when he saw what kind of picutres he picked up into his hands, his heart literally skipped a beat and his stomach turned in excitement. One of them was a picture of Harley wearing a shirt where ″big sister″ was written on the side and the other one was a black-and-white print of a sonogram, a red heart drawn around what he knew in this moment would change their life forever.

He turned his head around to Erin, his smile being brighter than ever before, brighter than the fairy lights on the tree, his eyes glowing in excitement and disbelief and endless love all at once.

Erin smiled entirely happy by his reaction and pressed a soft kiss on her husband's speechless, stunned lips, whispering: ″Merry Christmas.″

 _ **All I want for Christmas is you, baby**_

 _ **All I want for Christmas is you, baby**_

 _ **All I want for Christmas is you, baby**_

* * *

 _ **\- THE END -**_

 **Thanks for reading, I hope you somehow liked it. I'm happy about reviews! :)**

 **For all of you who read my main story: I'll update tomorrow ;)**


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